Study abroad experience
It’s great to have a blog where I can record my thoughts
as they are fresh. Looking back at them years later I will be able to get a
sense of what I was thinking. This is especially relevant because my experience
in Thailand may well be life-altering and this could serve as a useful account
of one leg of my life journey. With this blog I can share my story while
recording my thoughts for a future Jared to amuse himself with. There are two
parts to this story; the first is in regards to the study abroad experience. I
will write about Wat Pah Nanachat, the 2nd part, after this post.
Studying abroad in Thailand was a real treat - so many
sights, so many people, and so many awesome experiences. We ate tons of great
food and gain firsthand understanding of what it is like to live in a foreign
country. It was an enjoyable experience, one that I look back upon fondly. But
I’m not going to write the study abroad experience directly; I’m going to write
about the lessons I learned. Cutting straight to the point, I didn’t fit in. Although
I was included in the various group activities and hung out with many people, I
was always slightly on edge, not quite sure what to say or do, a little tired,
a little lonely. I didn’t naturally belong to any of the groups that would form.
I ended up hanging out most with the drinking group. Yet, I didn’t belong there;
the Thai drinking scene just wasn’t my scene - too loud and noisy and not
enough inter-personal communication. I believe they sensed this as well, for
whenever we went out together a part of me felt like I was included because I
was a fellow Cal Poly student. Strangely (or perhaps not so strangely) I even
knew I didn’t belong in that group. But the single and attractive women were in
the drinking crowd, and I wanted their attention. The thing is, I now realize,
is that I’m an introvert, a solitary Strider. I function best in small groups
where people listen to one another, not in large, loud, noisy groups like the
drinking group I was a part of. I was out of my element, and didn’t realize the
foolishness of trying to attract beautiful women in an unfavorable context. As
to why I did not hang out so much with the others students, I can’t exactly say
why, but simply put, I found them to be boring. As I write these words I
realize a viewpoint I’ve clung to for a long time now - that straight-edge
people, the people who abstain from alcohol and weed, are boring. It is only
now as I write these words that I realize the error of holding such a
viewpoint. For the people who choose to abstain from alcohol and weed are often
times some of the friendliest people, the type of people that can listen and
respond with intelligent answers and know how to hold a conversation. But
anyways, at the time of the study abroad experience I had no such insight. The
straight-edge people I found to be friendly but nothing really came to
fruition. So during the day when we had many planned activities, everything was
fine. But at night, when people were free to do what they wanted, I felt somewhat
left out, not really belonging. It isn’t any fun to not be included. It hurts.
To have to work your way into a group, cognizant that you aren’t really a part
of it, and there’s this vague feeling that you could be left behind, is a
feeling that sucks. It’s a subtle unpleasant feeling that’s hard to acknowledge,
yet it weighs one down just like iron shackles do a swimmer. I wasn’t socially
rejected, but I wasn’t socially accepted either. I don’t know what I was. I was
in limbo. Eventually I sat down and realized I was in pain.
Pain
The
thing about pain is that it’s a signal. It means something is wrong. Something
needs to be changed. Usually if I’m feeling pain I’ve come to recognize and
accept it means I’m doing something wrong. Not someone else, but me, and I need
to take responsibility for it. One of my greatest strengths is not going around
blaming other people for my being hurt: I take near full responsibility for my
happiness. So where was I? Oh yes, sitting down and thinking about the pain I
was experiencing. I thought about how the drinking group wasn’t panning out,
how I just wasn’t acting like myself, how it seemed how participating in the
circle of drugs never quite brought satisfaction. I thought about how I acted
around people, how people acted around me, and how I acted around people I was
really good friends with. I thought about why I acted the way I did, the
sensations of hurt, the feelings of my breath, of the times when I was happy, the
times when I was sad, the reasons why I felt left out, reasons why this,
reasons why that. I deeply contemplated the matter, not rushing the process,
letting my mind wander a bit and gently pulling it along, listening to my
intuition, letting it all unfold in front of me. Here are the things I came up
with to work on:
1)
Wise friendships: be nice to everyone but be
realistic. I’m an introvert and don’t have tons of social energy so I need to
spend it wisely. Better to invest energy in friendships with people who give me
back love and kindness. I tried to go out with the drinking group too often and
only near the end of the trip, after admitting social failure, began taking a
closer look at some of the quiet, more reserved type of people, the type of
people I had originally found to be boring. They were the ones that could
listen and return positive energy! Also, if a group isn’t working out, better
to pull back and be solitary lone wolf. Better to find a boring group that I’m
a part of than a crazy, exciting, story-telling group. (And the boring group
really isn’t so boring, I’ve always been a lover of small groups and amiable
conversation). Lesson: I can handle Life on my own, its people that I sometimes
have a hard time with. Give out positive energy to everybody and pursue the
people who give positive energy back. Be more open to all types of people.
2)
I am socially confident: I know I can smile,
look a person in the eye, listen to their words and body language, respond
intelligently with kind words, help others feel better, am handsome and at
least appear socially confident, so why am I not socially adept like so many
others? Answer: I think about it. I don’t truly, deep down think I am the type
of person that people inherently like, and that therefore I have to work for
their affection. In order for them to get to like me, I have to try to impress
them. Or something along those lines. Whatever the case, the lesson is that I
care too much about having people like me. Solution: Fuck that. I know who I am
and I know that I am inherently likeable and charismatic. I’ve worked too hard
being mindful to let thoughts rule my head. In Thailand, I felt like I was
trying to cater myself to the person I was with, to their personality style.
Now, we all do this, we all act differently around different people, but I
think I was getting off-balance. I tried to be friends with all 23 Cal Poly
students. I wanted to be the one loved by all, admired. What I need to do is stay grounded with everyone I meet and interact
with, so I can be myself in the present moment, and still be myself in the long
run. This means being more reserved initially and not worrying about what
others think. Easier said than done, but I know I can do it. Also, in large
groups, hang back. They are not my scene. Listen. See if there is another small
group forming or maybe just have the courage to strike out on your own. In any
case, stop trying to get everybody to like you. It doesn’t work. Find a
balance. This leads me to point 3.
3)
Stay grounded: I have to stop getting thrown by
beauty, so caught by it. And I got to stop trying to please everybody. I
realize I hold these subtle, grandiose dreams, that I will be the one everyone
likes, that I will be the respected one, that I will....dreams all of it. Don’t
chase after dreams! That never works, stay in the present. Now where was I? Oh
yes, a beautiful woman starts talking and I immediately start tailoring myself
to impress her. Never works in the long run. Can’t keep up appearances. Got to
be myself, stay grounded, realize beauty is only skin-deep. In Thailand, the
beautiful women kept me in the drinking group. But man, where the hell has
chasing after a beautiful women ever got me? By all means talk to a beautiful
woman, ask her out on a date, hang out with her, but man, after so much, give
it up; if she isn’t digging you move on. If I’m chasing for her attention, best
put that energy elsewhere. Putting energy to attract the attention of a
beautiful woman who doesn’t reciprocate the energy is a waste of energy. And besides,
I always feel sorta weak after not being myself and trying to impress a lady,
like she has the upper hand and I’m futilely grasping for her attention. I have
dig deep, stay grounded, be myself, smile, tease a bit, but stay true to my
intuition. Same with pleasing people, I give too much energy to it. Why bother?
People are people, I’m still going to be kind and all but why go to extra lengths
to try to ensure they like me? Better to stay grounded, not try to get on their
good side, be myself, I’ll naturally get on most people’s good sides anyways. I
have to give more credit to other people and let them come to me. It’s too hard
always chasing after others. Better to
meet some people halfway than trying to meet with everybody. This way the
friends that I make will know who I am and I won’t pretend subconsciously in
any way and I can just be myself. Being who I am is key and staying grounded
and confident is of greatest importance.
Further thoughts
I’m
not an extroverted person, hell, I’m even more solitary than I thought I was. This
isn’t a bad thing, just have to make sure I live in accordance with it and
realize that this is the person I am. Only if one can accept themselves,
strengths and shortcomings, can one be happy. And I got to choose how I make a
first impression. The extroverted, energetic impression I made in Thailand was
a mistake, people right off the bat got the wrong impression. A quiet firsthand
impression might be a good thing because I am a quiet person. And quiet
reserved straightedge people - the wise, healthy people, the ones that listen
and don’t go out every night of the weekend – these might be my natural friends.
I need to develop friendships based in this area, rather than friendships based
on drugs as I have done in the past. I’m realizing that many of my friendships
at college and at home have undertones of drugs. I’ve been a part of this
culture for a long time now, and while the people I’ve met there are awesome
individuals, I am beginning to realize that to some extent, many of them are
unwise friends. For me, I don’t really
know why I got into weed, it was just something to do, a means to pass the time.
I don’t think I had enough determination, energy, and purpose in my life to be
able to exert continuous mental and physical effort each day. Yet now with my
meditation and mindfulness practice, and an overall deepening confidence/conviction/devotion
to Buddhism, I am experiencing some really great results and finding purpose in
my life. It’s all coming together. I can do something worthwhile in this life. In
particular, as of right now (I’m 21) I want to devote myself to bringing
meditation and mindfulness to the general public. I don’t need to smoke weed to
pass the time anymore. I need to make new friends in new areas. (for this I am
going to join a climbing club and an improv laughter club) I am going to be
much more open to cultivating friendships with reserved people. I’m going to
take a closer look at reserved women. The flashier ones have always caught my
attention and I’ve always been the moth, unable to look away from the light.
Beauty is overrated. I think for the last 6 years I have tried to impress
people too much, especially the more outgoing, extroverted people. I have to be myself amongst others and let
go of praise and criticism.
Final word
This pain was great. Pain, if utilized, will sear the
lessons learned from it into one’s mind. I think these lessons I take away will
be the best thing for me in the long run. Why? Because I sat down, took my
time, deeply analyzed the situation, took responsibility for what I could take
responsibility for, and am now acting on my conclusions. I’ve grown because of
this process and learned more about who I am. With this knowledge I can go out
and live a life more true to myself. I can’t wait to learn more.
2 comments:
Your writing is definitely improving, you seem to be finding your natural tone. Im glad you could turn the conflicts of your study abroad into lessons, that really is a great quality. I find the advice "Give out positive energy to everyone and pursue the people who give it back" to be wonderful advice. Im going to try to incorporate that into how i make friends and ultimately judge people. I dont agree however with what you said about dreams. I feel you were describing more of a personal fantasy about being adored rather than dreams (aspirations) and that one should actually follow their dream if it is something that makes them happy. I also participated in a improv activity this summer and found it to be very fun, and the people all nice. I would definitely encourage you to give it a try
Hey Skyler,
Good to hear from you, I value your feedback. As for the natural tone, I've been reading a lot of the Game of Thrones series. The author writes with a flowy style and pace that I found myself naturally writing with when I wrote this article. And yeah, in general I'm trying to write more simply because I can express myself through words, oftentimes more so than speech. I guess my writing is improving, yay! Practice, practice, practice right?
And yeah, you're totally right regarding dreams. Though sometimes, I feel, dreams and personal fantasy are one and the same, for both are projections of the future by our aspiring mind. I think the key is being able to identify which of those projections are unwholesome vs wholesome; for some projections are conceited (personal fantasies) while some are shining goals, that if pursued, bring one happiness.
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