In this past weekend +Monday, I visited a girl in another city (I just so happen to really like her) and had the first training for the volunteer hospice. Talk about emotions on the opposite side of the spectrum! Wow, I'm going from confused to fulfilled and back and forth. When I first started meditation I entertained thoughts that I would be master of my emotions, that they would serve my every command. Go away confusion - I command you! Nahhhh, that's not how it works. Meditation helps with emotions and feelings and moods and all those hard to define things but they never go away or become totally under control. The point of this post (besides writing the post, it feels awesome to write) is tying it together: how I apply what I practice in meditation to these feelings. First, the confusion of liking someone. I mean, I really like this girl, she's awesome, but she lives in a different city and while we're good friends, I don't know if she likes me the way I do her. Now in meditation I practice bringing attention back to the present moment and accepting whatever comes up. In my day to day life, I'll catch myself thinking of the things I want to say to her or imagining future outcomes. When I catch myself I don't get mad. I think people in meditation sometimes get mad for having a monkey-mind, don't get mad! So anyways, I'm accepting that I'm confused and that my thoughts are going to be all over the place. But when I do catch myself I try to return to what's happening in the here and now. I try to pay attention to my breathing. Or I'll wiggle my toes. Often times I'll soon find myself thinking about her, again! This time I might try questioning my thoughts. Is it really helpful to think of her this much? Are these thought tangents increasing or decreasing my current happiness (usually decreasing)? And finally, I ask myself, what can I learn, how can I grow? Sometimes the answer is trying to see this "problem" as an opportunity, sometimes the answer is acceptance - accepting that I am in pain (not horrible pain or anything but still).
Wow. I'm feeling a lot better. Just by writing down my feelings, just writing down what I was thinking really helped. I've heard too that writing down stuff helps too, maybe I should try that more?
I didn't get to talk about the hospice, I will talk about that soon, its pretty awesome.
Oh, and I had 56 views last month! Hello to all of you